So yesterday started out pretty good. I was still dealing with pain in my back, but for the most part, it felt stronger, so therefore I chalked it up to a good start of the day.
Note: This excerpt on today’s blog reflects thoughts and emotions strongly influenced by yesterday’s activities. I am still dealing with some of them today, but they are really not as bad as they were yesterday. I will describe what I know as truth at the end of the blog, but for now, let’s travel back in time to yesterday shall we?
The double whammy hit me----drum roll please…..
#1 Slam in the face: After I got settled into work, I started having a conversation with some co-workers--as it turned out, we began talking about dating--let it be known that I was the only single person involved in the conversation. The tables turned and we began talking about E-Harmony. Have any of you ever used their services? Well, at the time I used them, which was about 3-5 years ago, I wasn't too impressed. I wasn't ready for it, and therefore was hurt one too many times by all of the rejections I received. But, according to this particular conversation, it took a spin that I didn't particularly like.
I opened my big mouth and commented on the fact that I felt that maybe the men took a look at my picture and then weren’t interested (which basically chalks down to me not having much self esteem). My co-worker said something that really hit me hard--made me depressed. I was very sad when she said this. "Maybe for you Annjeri, you just need to become friends with someone, be best friends with them for a while and that is how you will find your man". Really????? That makes me feel SOOOOOO good. NOT!! Let alone the fact that men are visual people and therefore are apparently not attracted to thicker women. (I know this is not true, but I have had sooo many people make comments like this to me, I find it very difficult to not have that mentality myself) Basically, what she was really saying was “I am not going to find a man because I am pretty, he needs to get to know me personally and then be attracted.” Well, maybe that’s true to some degree, but it still hurts.
I have struggled for so many years with my weight and have had people say that I won’t find a man unless I am thin. GAAAAAAAA!!!! Makes me just want to scream. This is what the world is telling us people! They say that you have to look this way or that way in order to find love. Well, I find that to be a bunch of BULL HONKEY! I find it difficult already to have the oomph to get up every morning and eat right, and then do a work out every day. I already have difficulty with wanting to “Look Pretty” with make-up and nice hair because frankly “I DON’T FEEL PRETTY”.
#2 slam in the face: Ok, so the next thing that happened was we were talking about birthdays and how old some of us were. I always joke around and tell people that I am 27. The same co-worker who mentioned the issue about dating also said this…
Co-worker- “Annjeri, how old are you really?”
Annjeri- “I’m turning 32 next week”
Co-worker- “Really? I thought you were 37”
Silence Please. Shocked. Flabbergasted. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????????????
In order to cover her tracks, her face turned a bit red and then she said “Well, I always think people are older than they look”.
HA! WHATEVER!!! She was serious! I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe it. DO I REALLY LOOK THAT OLD?? Golly Gee Willakers Maynard! I seriously need to do something about this. Not only am I over wait, but I look OLD!!!!
Sheesh! How do people handle these types of hits every day? I mean, my goodness! It makes me gag!! I just want to bust out crying right now just thinking about it. First of all, the standards of today’s beauty are hardly reachable-- Beautiful Hair, Beautiful Skin, Beautiful Nails, Tight stomach, Firm Thighs and arms that do NOT say HELLO and GOODBYE in the same waive. I know so many absolutely gorgeous women who are lovely inside and out, and have weight on them. These women are women whom I admire. They have learned to love people and shine no matter what they look like. Some of them are married, some are not. No matter, they are still beautiful. I would love to be in that place where no matter what I look like (Bad Hair, heavy, WHATEVER) I want to shine and have confidence.
Let’s face it ladies. In today’s society, they say one thing, but I know that GOD sais something else. He made us all unique and beautiful. He made us with unique personalities, different types of hair, skin and body types. HE made us all LOVELY! Isn’t that grand? It’s just a matter of not only knowing this in our heads, but in our hearts as well. I certainly haven’t fully grasped it myself. I feel like God has shown me different things about myself in the last few months that make me rethink the whole idea that I am not pretty, or worthy of love. I know that I am pretty--in my own way and I AM WORTHY OF LOVE. I hate the fact that sometimes I look haggard and older than I really am. I hate the fact that I am heavy and I know I am being judged based on that. I certainly do not know what it is that I need to do differently in regards to getting to know men who would be willing to get to know the real me, not just what I look like on the outside.
Sigh….. But, this is all a learning process. I just hope that by next time, if someone decides to throw me a curve ball, I will be ready with a mitted hand to catch the ball before it strikes me in the head. I know that this time around of my journey through weight loss really has to be for me, and no one else. The last time I lost weight I did it to feel good, yes, but I did it because I thought guys would like me better if I were thin. So, now I have to change my way of thinking-- realize that weight loss is for MY health, no one else’s. I am a person that someone, whoever you are, will want me for me—all of me thick, thin, beautiful, haggard.
So, here is to the start of a new mind set. Knowing the truth from God, not from man. Striving to be healthy inside and out because God wants it, not man. I know that once that is grasped—it is attainable. Here is to a healthy me. ;-)