I know I know I know, we hear about weight loss all over the place. But common, soooo many people are struggling with it now-a-days. I am too, and it's really frustrating. I am encouraged though, because I have family and friends who are working on the same goals---becoming healthy and that is what it is really all about, right?
So today I was watching the show "Losing it with Jillian". If you have never watched it, let me tell you, you will cry and laugh and then want to jump up and rush to the gym....like NOW!!!! So, I started eating an apple, which I wasn't hungry for, but I knew that if I went to the gym without some sort of healthy substance in my stomach, I might want to pass out. ;-)
Any who's, while I was watching the show, I realized that for some time when the subject of me losing weight comes up, I have conflicting emotions. One side of me really, really wants to be healthy, skinny, fit and have a great long lasting life. The other side of me, the one that tries to protect itself says "Whats the point?".
I mean, common, "Whats the point???????". The point is, do you want to die or do you want to live? Why is it that I have such a hard time sticking to losing weight?
Here is the reason that I know of right now, but I am sure God will reveal more as I work my way through this. Weight loss isn't just about the pounds and food you put in your mouth. It's about the walls we put up, the boundaries and gates we built and the foundations that were laid earlier on in life, and then moving on to adulthood. Some of these things were healthy, but obviously most of them were not. If they were all healthy, then I wouldn't be in the place I am in today, now would I?
I am not trying to beat myself up here. I am just trying to be honest and come to some reality that it is all more than I myself can handle. I can be in control of what I eat and how often I work out. But what about the emotional and mental stuff? I can't do that on my own. I do have to be willing to give it up to have a better life.
Anyway, I came to this conclusion last night, but it hit me today as I watched the show. It was an O-MY-GOSH moment in realizing that there is a part of me that cannot handle the idea of losing weight because someone might see the real me, or someone might get too close and I might get hurt. But I guess to also face the real news is that regardless if I am skinny or not, all of those things could happen anyway.
Sigh....... I know this will all work out. I am learning every day. I can only take it one day at a time. I can only do one workout out at a time, and eat one apple or salad at a time. Can I cry now????? Alas, this too shall pass.